songs that shouldn’t exist album

Penguins

IKEA

Penguins

Lyrics & Melody written by Sam / Studio1813

Dinosaurs turned into birds, evolution is absurd. But when I see a penguin walk, I wonder how they stalk. They slide on ice, they dive in seas… But where the hell are their knees?!

Do penguins have knees?! Do penguins have knees?! Under the feathers, under the skin… Do penguins have knees?!

I called a biologist, he laughed and walked away. I asked a priest on Sunday, he told me just to pray. I searched it on Wikipedia, but the WiFi made me freeze… So I’ll never, ever know: Do penguins have knees?!

Do penguins have knees?! Do penguins have knees?! They waddle like they’re broken, but maybe it’s disease?!

At night I dream of penguins, they’re dancing in my head. Some wear little trousers, some lying in my bed. I need to find the answer, I’m begging science please… Before I lose my sanity: Do penguins have knees?!

Knee or not knee, that is the question! Feathers or bones, the last confession! Answer me, Darwin, tell me please… Do penguins have… kn—eeeeees?!

Do penguins have knees?! The mystery of life! Without this information, how can we survive? Do penguins have knees?! I’m crying in the dark… Until I see a penguin undress in the park!

…knees… knees… knees…

IKEA

Lyrics & Melody written by Sam / Studio1813

Nations rise, nations fall… But one place stands eternal.

I walked into a building, the flag was yellow-blue. I lost myself in hallways, I didn’t have a clue. The people spoke in riddles, their names were all so strange… I realized in panic: The borders have been changed!

Is Ikea a country?! Do I need a visa here? The currency is meatballs, the anthem’s full of cheer. Is Ikea a country?! Do I need to take a stand? I think I lost my passport in the kitchen land.

They forced me through a border, a one-way path of pain. I couldn’t turn around, I’ll never leave again. The chairs became my soldiers, the lamps were shining bright… The kingdom of Ikea will rule the world tonight.

Is Ikea a country?! Their army’s made of wood. Their leaders are unspoken, but everything smells good. Is Ikea a country?! I’m trapped in Billy’s land… The parliament is made of Allen keys in hand.

Assemble the table, assemble the fight! We’re marching to battle through Swedish night. Meatballs and lingonberry wine… The nation of Ikea is mine!

Is Ikea a country?! I’ll never find the end. I’ve been inside for ages, I lost my only friend. Is Ikea a country?! Oh lord, I’m here to stay… Until I find the exit sign someday.

Next time… I’ll order online.

sandwich

Lyrics & Melody written by Sam / Studio1813

Not all heroes wear capes. Some… just carry bread.

Long ago in England, a hungry man sat down. He had no time for dinner, no patience, no crown. He took two humble slices, put something in between… And changed the course of history, like no one’s ever seen.

Who invented the sandwich?! The bravest soul alive. He gave the world a reason, a reason to survive. Who invented the sandwich?! A genius or a saint? Forever will your glory be covered up in paint… of mustard.

Kings and queens have vanished, but the sandwich still remains. Through every single culture, your spirit runs the veins. Panini in Italia, Shawarma on the street… From Subway to my grandma’s house, we taste your noble feat.

Who invented the sandwich?! Your story must be told. A monument in marble, or crafted out of gold. Who invented the sandwich?! Your courage made us strong. Every bite I’m taking is singing out your song.

Was it Alexander? Or maybe Charlemagne? Perhaps a lonely farmer, just hiding from the rain? We’ll never know the moment, the name will never show… But sandwiches remind us of heroes long ago.

Let the lettuce rise! Let the ketchup flow! Let the mayonnaise cover the hunger that we know! Through bacon, cheese and pickles, your vision’s still alive… Oh Sandwich, Sandwich – you taught us how to thrive!

Who invented the sandwich?! Humanity must see! Without your holy wisdom, there is no you and me. Who invented the sandwich?! We’ll shout it through the lands… We may not know your name, but we’ll clap with both our hands.

Bread… meat… bread… Eternal… sandwich…

google translate

Lyrics & Melody written by Sam / Studio1813

I just wanted to say “I love you”… But it said… something else.

I typed it in so slowly, I pressed the button right. But when I sent the message, it turned into a fight. I wanted sweet confession, I wanted love to start… But Google Translate, baby, it broke my heart.

Google Translate broke my heart! It turned my love to pain. I said “I want to kiss you”… It said “I eat your brain.” Google Translate broke my heart! I’ll never type again… A million broken sentences, a million lost “amen”.

I said “Your eyes are oceans,” it wrote “Your nose is fat.” I said “I’ll be your hero,” it wrote “You smell like cat.” You blocked me on your phone now, you think I’m just insane… All thanks to Google Translate, destroyer of my name.

Google Translate broke my heart! The words were not my own. I tried to say “Forever,” it wrote “You’re just a clone.” Google Translate broke my heart! It’s worse than any knife. I lost the girl I wanted, I lost my only life.

Now love is just a riddle, a puzzle I can’t win. The keyboard is my enemy, the letters full of sin. I’ll never trust technology, I’ll never play the game… Google took my passion, and left me only shame.

From German into French, from Spanish into Greek… The words are always twisted, the future’s looking bleak. If love is lost in language, then nothing’s ever true… Google Translate, I curse you, for what you made me do!

Google Translate broke my heart! You tore my world apart. You turned my love to hatred, you crushed my only start. Google Translate broke my heart! The letters burn in flame… But I will always love you, though you never felt the same.

…je t’aime… ich liebe dich… 我爱你…

Almond

Lyrics & Melody written by Sam / Studio1813

We drink, we wonder… but no one truly knows.

I saw it in the market, a carton full of dreams. It said “organic almond milk,” but what the hell that means? I’ve never seen an udder, I’ve never heard them moo… How can you milk an almond, is this really true?

Can you milk an almond?! Does it scream or does it pray? Do they gather tiny buckets, at the break of every day? Can you milk an almond?! Is it science, is it fraud? Do the farmers sit in silence, milking almonds for their god?

I asked a vegan lady, she smiled and walked away. She whispered “it’s a secret,” and vanished into gray. I tried to squeeze an almond, I tried with all my might… But all I got was nothing, and a broken tooth that night.

Can you milk an almond?! Do they line them in a row? Do they whisper magic words, to make the liquid flow? Can you milk an almond?! A mystery of our time… A creamy revolution, or just another crime?

The cows are getting jealous, the goats are full of rage. They see the almond cartons, they cry inside their cage. A farmer lost his reason, his barn burned to the ground… For almond milk is rising, and truth is never found.

Squeeze it, press it, make it rain! Milk the almonds, end the pain! Every nut has something more… A secret milk we can’t ignore!

Can you milk an almond?! I’ll scream until I die. The cartons haunt my vision, the answer hides in lies. Can you milk an almond?! The question never ends… I lost my faith in nature, I lost my only friends.

…pour me another glass.

hiar

Lyrics & Melody written by Sam / Studio1813

One moment can ruin a lifetime. One strand… can change it all.

I sat inside a restaurant, the candles shining bright. I ordered steak and salad, a perfect Friday night. But as I raised my fork up, my heart began to fall… A single hair was waiting there, the worst of them all.

Why is there hair in my food?! What did I do to you? Was it long, was it curly, was it blonde or maybe blue? Why is there hair in my food?! This isn’t what I planned… I’d rather starve forever than eat from your hand.

The waiter came to ask me, “Sir, is everything alright?” I stared into his guilty eyes, and whispered through the night. This is not spaghetti, this is not a dream… Your kitchen is a nightmare, my soul begins to scream.

Why is there hair in my food?! It’s killing all my joy. I came here for a dinner, not a barber’s toy. Why is there hair in my food?! The horror never ends…. I lost my faith in mankind, I lost my appetite, my friends.

I’ll write a Yelp review tonight, one star will seal your fate. Your restaurant will crumble down, your hair will find no plate. I’m broken like a noodle, I’m shattered like a glass… This meal was meant for lovers, but now it’s in the trash.

Cut it, shave it, burn it down! Never let that hair be found! Clean your kitchen, seal your doom… Stop the hairy, hairy gloom!

Why is there hair in my food?! I’ll scream it to the sky. The gods above can hear me, but they won’t reply. Why is there hair in my food?! I’ll never trust again… This hairy tragedy will never end.

…never end… never end…

grandma

Lyrics & Melody written by Sam / Studio1813

She was gentle, she was kind… Until the day she crossed the line.

I gave her hugs on Sundays, I brought her tea and cake. But little did I notice, the plan she’d start to make. Her eyes were full of secrets, her smile was not the same… My grandma, oh my grandma, was playing a wicked game.

Grandma stole my credit card! She’s shopping on the run. She bought a leather jacket, a shotgun and a gun. Grandma stole my credit card! She’s living wild and free… She booked a flight to Vegas, without telling me.

She’s gambling in casinos, she’s dancing on the floor. She’s kissing all the bartenders, she’s kicking down the door. I thought she was so fragile, I thought she loved her chair…. But now she’s on a Harley, with tattoos everywhere!

Grandma stole my credit card! She’s stronger than the law. She bought a house in Florida, with money that she saw. Grandma stole my credit card! She’s richer than the Queen… She sold my Playstation, to buy a limousine.

I tried to call the police, but they just laughed at me. They said, “We saw your grandma, she’s on a shopping spree!” Now Interpol is hunting, but they can’t track her down… She’s hiding in the Bahamas, wearing a golden crown!

Oh Grandma, please return! I can’t afford this burn. I’m broke, I’m lost, I’m torn… Why were you ever born?!

Grandma stole my credit card! She’s gone and never back. She’s living like a rock star, in a pink Cadillac. Grandma stole my credit card! I’ll cry until the end… I lost my money, but I lost my best friend.

…grandma… come home…

karen

Lyrics & Melody written by Sam / Studio1813

I don’t know why… but every time I fall in love… her name is always Karen.

I dated one in Paris, I dated one in Rome. I met one in a taxi, she followed me back home. They all had different faces, they all had different styles… But every time I kissed them, they called me back with smiles.

Why are all my exes named Karen?! It makes no sense at all. Why are all my exes named Karen? Their numbers fill my wall. Why are all my exes named Karen?! It drives me insane… Different girls, different worlds, but the name is all the same.

One Karen was a dancer, one Karen was a nun. One Karen stole my wallet, and sold my BB-gun. Another drove a lorry, another played the flute… But every single Karen, was marching to the root.

Why are all my exes named Karen?! The mystery’s too deep. Why are all my exes named Karen?! They haunt me in my sleep. Why are all my exes named Karen?! I’ll never break free… I see the name forever, it’s always chasing me.

I tried to date a Lisa, I tried to date a Claire. But halfway through the dinner, they said: “My name’s not fair. I changed it back to Karen, it’s who I’ve always been.” I paid the bill in silence, the nightmare starts again.

Karen… yes, it’s me. Another Karen… set you free. Why are all my exes…? K-A-R-E-N…

I joined a dating website, I thought I’d found my cure. A profile said “It’s Jessica, I’m honest and I’m pure.” But when we met for coffee, she laughed and shook my hand… She whispered in my ear that night: “Call me Karen if you can.”

Why are all my exes named Karen?! I cannot run away. Why are all my exes named Karen?! They haunt me every day. Why are all my exes named Karen?! It’s madness in my soul… Forever, ever, ever… surrounded by Karens!

Karen on the dance floor… Karen in the taxi… Karen with my neighbor… Karen took my Xbox… Karen stole my dog… Karen gave it back… but only with a bill.

Karen… Karennnnn…

nun

Lyrics & Melody written by Sam / Studio1813

She prayed for my soul… and sold me a gram.

She held a book of scriptures, and whispered late at night. She said “the Lord forgives us, but still, we all must sin…” And from beneath her rosary, she pulled a baggie thin.

My drug dealer is a nun! She hides it in her sleeve. My drug dealer is a nun! I never could believe. My drug dealer is a nun! She prays when deals are done… She saves my soul on Sunday, but sells me drugs for fun.

She blesses all my troubles, she blesses every high. She sprinkles holy water, while needles pass me by. The choir sings in silence, the candles start to fade… But Sister Mary’s waiting, with powder that she made.

My drug dealer is a nun! She moves with holy grace. My drug dealer is a nun! The habit hides her face. My drug dealer is a nun! She deals beneath the sun… She tells me God is with me, while loading up the gun.

Confessions in the darkness, forgiveness in her eyes. But every “Hail Maria” is followed up with lies. She tells me I’ll find heaven, by walking in her shoes… But heaven smells like incense, and smokes of midnight blues.

Ave Maria… pass the joint. Kyrie Eleison… what’s the point? Sancta Maria… cocaine dreams! Dominus vobiscum… holy schemes!

My drug dealer is a nun! Her halo shines so bright. My drug dealer is a nun! She saves me every night. My drug dealer is a nun! The holy and profane… She sells me sins in plastic bags, and takes away my pain.

…amen.

wifi

Lyrics & Melody written by Sam / Studio1813

They said it would be paradise. They said: palm trees, coconuts, freedom. But they lied… There’s no WiFi… in the jungle.

I woke up with the sunrise, a monkey stole my hat. The river sings like angels, but I can’t Google that. The parrots speak in riddles, the air is full of sound… But my Spotify is loading, it never spins around.

WiFi in the jungle! Why can’t you hear my cry? I need to watch my YouTube or surely I will die. WiFi in the jungle! It’s tearing me apart… You can’t survive in nature without a shopping cart.

I tried to call my mother, but the signal disappeared. I tried to text my girlfriend, my message never cleared. I typed “help me” in WhatsApp, but it didn’t send away… Now I’m stuck with real emotions, and I don’t know what to say!

WiFi in the jungle! This isn’t what I planned. I can’t upload my selfies, my followers won’t understand. WiFi in the jungle! How can I make it through? Without a decent hotspot my life is really screwed.

I built a wooden router, I prayed to all the gods. I sacrificed a chicken, but still no lightning rods. I danced around the fire, I whispered to the trees… But nature doesn’t care about my Instagram stories!

I need my Netflix, I need my memes… This jungle paradise is not what it seems. The signal’s fading, my heart is too… No WiFi, my darling – I can’t live without you!

WiFi in the jungle! The cruelest fate of all. Surrounded by the beauty, but no one I can call. WiFi in the jungle! I’m broken, lost, and done… I’d rather die in nature than live without my phone!

WiFi… WiFi… WiFi… in the jungle…